Raphael and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Day
by Sciencegal
Summary: Raphael wasn't having a good day. From the time he woke up to the time he went to sleep at the end of the day, everything went wrong. He wondered how bad turtle luck could really get. Well now he knew.


**A/N:**** Here's a funny oneshot I wrote just because. A lot of this was inspired by comments from my fellow writers. I have to give them some credit too. XD The rest is me. I don't write many oneshots. I hope you enjoy this one!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT OR the title's reference to Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.  
**

* * *

Raphael knew it was going to be a bad day when he woke up. He wasn't even officially awake yet. He was in that early moment between wakefulness and deep sleep. That time when dreams mix with his surroundings in such a way that it was common to seem awake, but there was something in the room that wasn't supposed to be there. Something that looked vaguely like a spider. An ugly, long-legged spider just enjoying its quiet life relaxing where it shouldn't be. And maybe there was more. Three or four? Or a dozen? Crawling and lounging in his blankets. On his hammock. On _him._ And they weren't planning on leaving him alone anytime soon.

He bolted to full alertness then. He was going to flatten those little thieves in the night. Those sneaky little devils with their thousand little feather-light legs. He was going to kill them! His limbs kicked and flailed – and found themselves unable to. He yanked and fought through the strait-jacket of his blankets. His hammock rocked – and then he found himself on the floor. All in a matter of minute long seconds. Damn those blankets. And damn those fucking spiders too! He was already in a bad mood and it was only six in the morning.

The blankets were punished by a hard shove with his foot. On the rebound, his foot slipped through the hammock. He yanked it out – tried to yank it out – but the crisscrossed rope denied him his foot. He roared and yanked and fought against the travesty. And it snapped. The whole hammock departed from the wall and sailed over Raph's grumbling form. 25 pounds of rope weighed on him in a tangled mess from hell. His roar sounded almost like the whine of a lion as he kicked and shoved it off. He crawled out from under the bundled rope and slowly got to his feet. The only thing that would make this day worse is if his brothers saw his morning struggle.

"So that's why you sleep on that hammock. It's in love with you."

And it's now the worst day of his life. Of all his brothers, it had to be him? The jokester? The one brother who would never let him live this down? "Fuck off, Mikey." He shoved the snooper out of his way as he took the worn path to the bathroom. The whole way, laughter followed. He slammed the door and relished in the sudden quiet. That's better.

He did his business and reached for the sink's faucet. He hoped the bad luck had finally left him. It seemed to be. He made it here alright. But the rush of cool water was quickly joined by a screech of animalistic fury. He was immediately blinded by fiery lines of dagger sharp claws. He grabbed a fist full of orange fur and whipped the small, wet, and hissing cat at the floor. Klunk glared at him for the abuse before flicking his tail. Like it was his fault the stupid cat was sleeping in the sink just waiting to get a bath. Damn cat. He dumped his hand in the water and whipped it at the retreating animal. He missed, but he wasn't that disappointed. The crime was done.

He threw open the cabinet and snatched the alcohol off the shelf. Whatever cat germs Klunk gave him were going to die. He was careless as he poured the bottle over his blood lined face. The burn of the alcohol always made him feel macho, but this time it didn't. Burning liquid found his eye and he howled from the pain. He stumbled around the bathroom to the sound of crashing all around him. The puddle of water from before betrayed him and he slipped. Then he heard the unmistakable sound of his sensei's gasp. He only realized then that the tube-like object he had stepped on was Master Splinter's tail. Dammit. He nearly cursed aloud, but he knew that wouldn't help gain him forgiveness. Instead he mumbled his apology so only his sensei could hear it. A moment of the embarrassment he couldn't avoid if he wanted Splinter to forgive him. This day was turning out to be a nightmare.

His next destination was breakfast. Food. He needed it. He was suddenly starved as the kitchen came into view. He looked in the cabinets for his favorite quick breakfast…and found they were out. Somehow his favorite cereal was missing from the cabinet. Oatmeal. He could have oatmeal instead. He poured a bowl of water and stuck it in the microwave. The machine chugged out smoke. Dammit, just heat the water! The microwave sputtered and whined in response. And then the inner light went out. Dead.

"Dude, you killed the microwave!"

Mikey. Again. He was going to kick his brother's ass. He was not in the mood for this.

"It was going out anyway."

Don saw it too? He whipped around to see all three brothers watching him.

"It must be your lucky day. It's definitely mine. Mikey wanted it to break on me this morning."

"Fuck you, Leo. Fuck you all," Raph grumbled. This was not his day. Now he could only heat the water on the stove.

"That's gross, Raphie."

"Smartass," Raph sprayed Mikey with the sink's sprayer for that comment. And nearly pulled it all the way out in the process.

"You will clean that up later."

Splinter just _had_ to come in then, didn't he?

Raph turned back to fixing his oatmeal just in time to see his breakfast boil over. He cursed and tried to save it only to burn himself. The pan crashed to the ground and more hot oatmeal splashed onto his legs. He decided then breakfast could wait. He was done. He would rather starve than humiliate himself like this.

Then came morning warm-ups an hour later. For some reason, he couldn't get his form right. He blamed the morning failures. Why couldn't anything go right today? Everything was going wrong from his favorite show on television getting canceled after fighting for control of the remote to going to get a cookie only to see Mikey chowing on the last one just as he entered the kitchen. He couldn't wait to get out of the lair.

As soon as the sun set, he ran out the lair's door. Finally. Freedom. His bad luck couldn't get in the way up here. At least he hoped so. Of course it just had to be a busy night. Apparently, every ne'er-do-well in the city felt today was a good day for mischief. He didn't count how many attempted burglaries, petty thefts, and near rapes he put an end to by the time he heard the next one for the night. A small group of punks, possibly drunk, and a chick with direction problems. Probably blind too if she didn't notice the _dark,_ dangerous _alley_ she decided to turn into. Oh how Raph hated people without any proper sense. At least this wasn't going to be hard. Raph had the advantage. He dropped down to end the disaster waiting to happen.

He was taking care of the problem rather well. The punks went down fast before they even knew what happened. The problem came when one pulled out a gun. Raph saw it in seconds. The same seconds it took to pull the trigger. There's his bad luck again. He didn't make a sound when the bullet pierced his leg. He wasn't going to let this punks finish him off either. He knew it was time to retreat. He quickly headed for the fire-escape.

For some reason, the punks gained fighting skills. This couldn't have been a trap. Could it? His bad luck wasn't that bad…right? Apparently, it was. He didn't make it to the ladder. The punks had him cornered. He fought through it anyway. He was _not_ dying by a fucking gang! He's fought bigger baddies before and won. This wasn't supposed to happen this way! By the time he made it out of danger, he was exhausted. Time to head home, right? No. His bad luck wasn't done with him yet. The rooftop was surrounded with Foot Ninjas. Dammit.

The ninjas had him on the run. He was running from a fight! This was a fucking embarrassment! If he wasn't so exhausted from the last fight, he would show those ninjas why they shouldn't mess with him today! His lame leg just had to give out right there on the rooftop. He hated calling his brothers for help, but he did. Right before his cell was thrown from his grasp and smashed. His brothers better get here before anything worse happened. He got back to his feet and fought for his life. Again. At least this time, he felt better about the battle. He still didn't like that he was already injured. It didn't take long before his injuries factored in and he was falling. They fucking knocked him off the roof!

The only thing that saved him from death then was a lucky chance of falling into something soft. What wasn't so lucky was that the spot place in landed in was old garbage. Even worse was the garbage guy was coming for his dumpster. He quickly climbed out and made it out of sight. Or at least out of sight from the garbageman.

"Hey, freak! Where you think yer goin'!"

Fuck, more punks? He immediately started running. Was his bad luck done now? Nope. He heard sirens. Police. The fucking police are here now? "Why can't a turtle get a fuckin' break around here?" He whispered. He was almost seen by the police, but his luck wasn't that bad. At least the punks were scared off. Now all he had to do was try to stay hidden until his brothers could pick him up. He silently walked through the alley. He was going to make it. His brothers were going to find him and he won't have to be cursed with bad luck ever again. He hated when he was wrong.

It just so happened that some stupid person had left barbed wire just hanging from the fire-escape. This barbed wire also had to be invisible in the night. He didn't know it was there until he walked right into it. The force of the collision caused the wire to fall from its current location. Right over and around Raph. It didn't take long for him to be successfully tangled in it. Dammit. He tried to get it off of him, but each time he tried, it only dug into his skin. He was stuck.

It was good that he was now completely hidden by the barbed wire. It was bad that this was how his brothers found him some fifteen minutes later. He would never forget their laughter. They wouldn't let him. After they got him down, he was tormented with it for the rest of the day and weeks after.

"How did you manage to get caught in that all by yourself?" Donny kept asking.

"Did you love the chicken wire that much, Raphie?" Mikey asked after.

"If your skills are that bad, I don't know how I can be related to you." Leo would laugh along.

Definitely the worst day he ever had in his life. Especially when Master Splinter slipped on the puddle of water he had forgotten to clean up after he was told to.

* * *

**A/N:**** Please review! Did I make you giggle? Laugh? Feel bad for Raph's bad luck? I want to know your thoughts! XD**


End file.
